Sacrifice

What to do when things get difficult?

The LDS author, H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, reaches out to married couples with a solid understanding that things are absolutely going to get difficult, “God knows that what we obtain too easily we esteem too lightly,” (Goddard,  2009). Goddard describes marriage as two halves of two different home designs attempting to align together to make one home. He puts a very strong emphasis on sacrifice being the necessary element in constructing this home.

                “It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perception and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house,” (Goddard, 2009).

At the very beginning of this chapter on obedience and sacrifice Goddard posed scenarios of married couples who were lacking sacrifice. I was shocked at how familiar some of them were to me. Some I pointed my ugly finger at my husband but most of the time the finger was pointed directly at me. This one scenario in particular really humbled me, “He is gentle and deliberate. She races to decisions without giving him time to participate,” (Goddard, 2009). Goddard explains these scenarios like this, “Regardless of who we marry, there will inevitably be irritations,” (Goddard, 2009).

So what do you do when things get difficult? You make sacrifices, repent and increase your obedience to God.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Repair Attempts

How do you treat your spouse? How do you treat your friends? These two questions are probably both based on the reflection of the question. How does your spouse treat you? How do your friends treat you? Based on John M. Gottman’s, PH.D. book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, friendship with your spouse is essential to a positive marriage.

            When you have built a good sound solid relationship with your spouse the dreaded arguments, fights, battles, and conflicts even become less threatening and more helpful than harmful. Gottman explains, “Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their quarrels don’t get out of hand,” (Gottman, 2015).

            One thing Gottman describes that married couples with deep friendship have is a repair attempt. Or I guess it should be said that married couples with deep friendship accept, understand or have created their own repair attempt. A repair attempt is something in which one spouse does to negate the argument from getting out of control. 

This attempt can be verbal, physical, serious or just plain silly. In Gottman’s book, the two repair attempts that he describes are both spouses just begin laughing or one sticks their tongue out at the other, both silly interpretations of repair attempts. It is important to know that with most couples there will be a repair attempt but often times the attempt is ignored by the other spouse. Gottman states, “The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship,” (Gottman, 2015).

            It is never too late to forge a friendship or stronger friendship with your spouse. According to Gottman who focuses his studies on what goes right in good marriages, rather than what goes wrong in bad marriages, “Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriage will provide,” (Gottman, 2015).

This is my husband and I having a little crazy fun for my birthday. Sometimes I can talk him into being pretty silly with me. It's times like this when careers, parenting, budgeting, and life is put away for a brief moment that hats come off and our friendship has the most room for development.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

The Three Wolves of Marriage

In a 1996 conference address by Edler Bruce C. Hafen titled, Covenant Marriage, he compares a scripture parable to a covenant marriage. He states, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.”

After this comparison, he enlightened us on three wolves that destroy marriage.

1.       Natural adversity. There are countless natural things that can happen within a marriage that destroy or fortify a marriage. A child born with disabilities is classified as natural adversity. Both spouses have a responsibility to the child that they have never experienced. A contract marriage would flee from the responsibility of caring for the child. A covenant marriage put all of their energy into learning how to love and support the child as well as each other and their marriage during adversity.

2.       Personal imperfections. Everyone battles some type of personal imperfection. In a covenant marriage personal imperfections that cause pain, anxiety or depression are bridled. The spouse put’s the other spouse before their imperfections. Also, the other spouse is understanding and helps and supports the other spouse overcome their imperfections.

3.       Excessive individualism. I believe this is the drive to sinful behaviors. Selfishness and pride are a result of only worrying about your own happiness. When you only have concern for yourself it can lead to hurtful behaviors like infidelity, addictions, abandonment……

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1

Supreme Court's Ruling on Same-Sex Marriage

For the past few days, I have literally had my eyes glued to my computer as I read and studied the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage. Along with their ruling, I read the dissenting comments of Court Justice Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito. I am grateful for this experience and the light and knowledge it has brought to me as a woman, wife, mother, daughter of God and citizen of the U.S.A. I want to share three principles of the dissenting arguments that really stood out to me and in my opinion deserve further pondering.


Justice Roberts, “Removing racial barriers to marriage, therefore, did not change what a marriage was any more than integrating schools changed what a school was.”
The reason I feel this statement warrants further understanding and to be repeated is that it opens up the question of, is not allowing same sex marriage about racism? Does it follow the same path and traditions as racism did? This statement by Justice Roberts suggests that it is a very different thing than what the Supreme Court Ruling compared the reason for their actions too.

Supreme Courts Opinion; “There is dignity in the bond between two men or two women who seek to marry and in their autonomy to make such profound choices. Cf. Loving, supra, at 12 (“[T]he freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State”).”

The decision to allow any race the freedom to marry did not change the definition of marriage. However, the decision to allow same-sex marriage did change the definition of marriage. This is a very valid point that speaks exponentially about the Supremes Court’s decision.

Justice Alito;” The system of federalism established by our Constitution provides a way for people with different beliefs to live together in a single nation. If the issue of same-sex marriage had been left to the people of the States, it is likely that some States would recognize same-sex marriage and others would not.”
This statement really shakes the defense of the Supreme Court, especially because same-sex marriage has also brought infringement on freedom of religion. The country is full of diversity, in order for there to equality and peace there has to be an equal say, a way to stand for our different beliefs. Otherwise, those freedoms of equality, beliefs, and choice are taken away. A vote for or against same-sex marriage is a voice of freedom and beliefs. That voice was seized from the people. They were taken away by a few, Justice Alito states, “By imposing its own views on the entire country, the majority facilitates the marginalization of the many Americans who have traditional ideas.”

Justice Roberts: “When decisions are reached through democratic means, some people will inevitably be disappointed with the results. But those whose views do not prevail at least know that they have had their say, and accordingly are—in the tradition of our political culture—reconciled to the result of a fair and honest debate. In addition, they can gear up to raise the issue later, hoping to persuade enough on the winning side to think again. “That is exactly how our system of government is supposed to work.” Post, at 2–3 (SCALIA, J., dissenting). But today the Court puts a stop to all that.”

Lastly, According to Justice Roberts, this ruling was not a win for anyone, including same-sex couples. He states, “Indeed, however, heartened the proponents of same-sex marriage might be on this day, it is worth acknowledging what they have lost and lost forever: the opportunity to win the true acceptance that comes from persuading their fellow citizens of the justice of their cause. And they lose this just when the winds of change were freshening at their backs.”
With this decision, a small percentage of Americans gained rights but the price was not nominal.  The penalty; all Americans have lost their voice.

Justice Alito; “But all Americans, whatever their thinking on that issue, should worry about what the majority’s claim of power portends (foretells).”




 https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf