I am Committed to God

 When we make promises to God through covenants we are making commitments to God. President Howard W. Hunter gave a conference address on learning about commitments to God by reading about the Israelites in the scriptures. President Hunter testifies that the Old Testament is a great example of how God blesses his disciples when they are committed to him. 

When we read the scripture we learn truths about God and his promises. The Israelites went through a roller coaster of faith and blessings and sin and sorrow. 

“Observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.” (Josh. 1:8.) 

The Lord is plain in his instructions to the Prophet Joshua, commitment to God = his commitment to you = success.

The Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The same promise to the Israelites is true for us today.   commitment to God = his commitment to you = success.

“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” (Josh. 1:9.)

When we covenant and make promises to the Lord and stay committed to those promises we will find blessings and Joy in having the Lord our God with us wherever we go. 

We too will see a roller coaster of decisions, sin, and distractions. We can study and learn from the scriptures about how our choices determine our circumstances and make choices now to commit to God. President Hunter states, "We should decide now, in the light of the morning, how we will act when the darkness of night and when the storms of temptation arrive." 

I have a testimony of the scriptures and the lessons that we can find in them. I know that God loves us and he has given us the scriptures as a tool to lead us to light and away from darkness.

Living With Purpose

The Importance of Living With Real Intent

Leviticus 10:10-11

10 And ^athat ye may put difference between ^bholy and unholy, and between ^cunclean and ^dclean;

11 And that ye may ^ateach the children of Israel all the statutes which the Lord hath spoken unto them by the hand of Moses.

Randall L. Ridd

Second Counselor in the Young Men General Presidency of the LDS church gives us three questions to ponder about living holy or unholy, clean or unclean lives, which he refers to as living with real intent. 

1. Can you do it? Read your scriptures, pray, and always remember him.

2. Will it work? Faith that the Lord will keep his promise and the 

Spirit will always be with you.

3. Is it worth it? You love God and He loves you and your life will be filled with joy

When you can answer these questions for yourself, share your answers with your children. Teach them about living with real intent to be more like their Savior Jesus Christ.

Financial Stages that I have experienced.

Single with no children; “Caught up in the here and now life of the young, they give little thought to keeping financial records or making long-range goals.” I definitely can identify with Poduska’s description of single finances. I bought a fast car had a plethora of department store credit cards and if I wanted it I bought it. By the time I was preparing for marriage I had, including my car, over 10,000 dollars in debt. I also had a sweet car, amazing wardrobe and a lot of amazing shoes.

Married with no or young children; This stage can be broken into two stages before and after children. “Financial responsibilities and common financial mistakes are an integral part of both phases.” My fiance and I agree that starting a marriage with that much debt was not a great idea. The summer before I got married I moved home, got two jobs and poured all of my money into my debt. By the time our marriage came along all I had left was the debt from my amazing car. Both my husband and I worked and he went to school we didn’t have a lot of money to spend or time to spend money. Our first child came 16 months after we were married. I became a stay at home mom and we were living on beans, however, we thought we could afford to buy a house. After we bought the house we continued on with excessive debt with credit cards. I’m not sure why this happens but we just bought our fifth house and after buying a home for some reason we spend money. We have been back and forth, in and out of debt for 19 years. In my experience babies and toddlers are expensive because of diapering, clothing, and feeding but after that younger children, ages 3 to 9 are not a great financial burden. My children began piano and participating in sports at age 7 and that added to the financial responsibility but it was nothing compared to what was coming with teenagers.

When children become teenagers; “This stage requires increases in almost all categories of the family budget.” This statement has rung very true within our family. Food, clothing and “pampering” expenses once again escalate. Sports, driving, camps, private lessons, friends, entertainment and I could go on and on. Life becomes an endless array of I need money for this and that, some legitimate others not. I am so grateful that as they get older my husband became more advanced and educated in his career. We have three teenagers at home right now the second getting ready to drive, my husband is also now making more money than he ever has before. Grateful for the progression of life.

Reference

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

Power in the Home

     Early on in my adulthood, I was actively pursuing an education degree. Although I did not finish the degree I learned some valuable lessons that have helped me to be a better parent. The best lesson learned has to be, avoiding power struggles. This lesson has really benefitted me in my journey as a mother. Richard Miller’s article reiterated this lesson and gave me new insight. “What is the power relationship in your marriage?” This was interesting to me as I haven’t ever necessarily thought about avoiding power struggles or sharing power with my husband and how it would affect our family dynamics. 

        Gordon B. Hinkley, former prophet states, "I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life (Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27).

         My husband is a very easy going guy so it is quite easy to bulldoze him if I am not paying attention. He is a District Manager at work so he is more than willing to let me have more power in the home. He recognizes that I have more education and knowledge in childrearing, he sees it as one of my talents. I appreciate the faith that he has in me and the way he allows me to use my education to make decisions in our home. I have always tried to be smart and careful with the power he has trusted me with. I am grateful for a husband that withholds his patriarchal duties and also allows me to do what I do best, be a mother and educator to our children.

Books About Intimacy in Marriage

“Luckily, I accepted as true the scriptural admonition that we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118),” (Brotherson, 2003). Even about sexual intimacy? In our home, we read to know. Why would intimacy be any different? We have talked a lot about the scripture mentioned and how we know what the “best books” are. I can see how with this topic seeking those who share the same beliefs on the topic would be crucial to the books that you select to read. I really appreciate the list of sources Sean E. Brotherson, Ph.D. gives on the subject.

1- The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any other stage of marriage.

2 - Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good resource.
3 - Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.
4 - The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. Well-known therapist and marriage educator have written an engaging and positive book about dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.
5 - Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson, a BYU professor and marital therapist whose book on intimacy is grounded in gospel understanding and purpose. Nice resource.
6 - Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-first Century or Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by Barry and Emily McCarthy. These are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.

Of reading these sources Brotherson states, “God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life.” After this statement, he encourages us to ask questions and read or seek out the best books for answers. That is how true knowledge is gained even in the realm of intimacy.

Reference
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

Drawing Heaven into Marriage

“We cannot create a vibrant marriage out of two people regardless of their talents, penchants, or country of origin. It is not possible. We must have divine help,” (Goddard, 2009). The whole premise of Goddard’s book is that “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper.” He explains that a marriage prescription involving God is not what the world would prescribe. The scriptures identify that every man has weaknesses, they are divinely appointed; our weaknesses are a gift from God. The world wants us to believe that weakness makes a person less worthy of our love. In every man, hence every marriage, weakness is present. God makes weak things strong. The world walks away from those that are weak and looks ill upon them. Goddard states, “I’m guessing that you could tolerate any amount of disappointment and misunderstanding as long as you felt close to God. It is the magic potion, the heavenly elixir.” (Goddard, 2009).

So don’t play God! Do not try to “fix” your spouse’s weaknesses. Goddard identifies, “We cannot even fix ourselves!” If you feel the urge to set your spouse and marriage right, you are taking on God’s work. Goddard states, “We mortals make poor gods.” What you can do is recognize your own weaknesses and humble yourself and allow God’s love to change you. It is actually a relief to realize that you are not responsible for “fixing” your marriage, your spouse or even yourself. All you have to do is what you can and then, “let God make up the difference,” (Goddard, 2009). Goddard’s central message in his book, Drawing Heaven into Marriage, is that God can turn your life and marriage into something amazing that you cannot make yourself. 

Reference

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results.            Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Keys to managing conflict

If you are in a marriage that experiences no conflict there is no need to continue reading this post. However, if you are in a normal marriage that experiences conflict because conflict is normal, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., offers key ways to manage your normal conflict.

Negative Emotions are Important

                Gottman put a great emphasis in this key on listening, understanding and encouraging your spouse when experiencing negative emotions. He states this relationship motto, “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” Everyone experiences negative emotions it is how they express it that sometimes will shut down or stir their spouse to anger. It takes a true character to be able to listen to negative emotions when they are specifically about or to you. It is worth the sacrifice to allow your spouse to express their negative emotions instead of storing them away.

No One Is Right

                When two people are in conflict with each other two individual truths exist. Gottman reflects on the words of his friend Dan Siegel, “There is no immaculate perception.” Gottman encourages us to remember these words during marital conflict.

Acceptance is Crucial

                Have you ever tried to take advice from someone who has an obvious disregard for you and your opinions? It is a difficult task to do this without feeling like it is a personal attack. That is why resolution and accepting constructive criticism or advice comes easier when it derives from someone who you know accepts you and your opinions.

Focus on Fondness and Admiration

                Gottman explains that couples that can ease a conflict by focusing on fondness are usually those that have mellowed about their spouse's flaws. These couples whether expressing negative or positive messages can do it in a way that expresses admiration and acceptance. Each spouse knows that no matter what is being expressed the other person carries a fondness for the other. Gottman suggests that if this is hard for a couple to do it may because of a lack of forgiveness for past deeds.

Gottman emphasizes that whether a conflict is perpetual or solvable every conflict can be overcome. The key is to figure out the origin and define the disagreement. I have found this to be very true in my own marriage. Many times miscommunicating the actual issue at hand or misunderstanding what the issue leads to further disagreement. When the issue is stated clearly often times my husband and I can more quickly and lovingly put the issue to rest. We are both guilty of reading into differences that do not exist, for example. Often times when my husband is extra helpful around the house I define it as him thinking that I am slacking off. And many times when I am having a difficult day and just need some time to myself he defines it as I don’t want to be around him. It is very important during a conflict to communicate clearly.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.