Keys to managing conflict

If you are in a marriage that experiences no conflict there is no need to continue reading this post. However, if you are in a normal marriage that experiences conflict because conflict is normal, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., offers key ways to manage your normal conflict.

Negative Emotions are Important

                Gottman put a great emphasis in this key on listening, understanding and encouraging your spouse when experiencing negative emotions. He states this relationship motto, “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” Everyone experiences negative emotions it is how they express it that sometimes will shut down or stir their spouse to anger. It takes a true character to be able to listen to negative emotions when they are specifically about or to you. It is worth the sacrifice to allow your spouse to express their negative emotions instead of storing them away.

No One Is Right

                When two people are in conflict with each other two individual truths exist. Gottman reflects on the words of his friend Dan Siegel, “There is no immaculate perception.” Gottman encourages us to remember these words during marital conflict.

Acceptance is Crucial

                Have you ever tried to take advice from someone who has an obvious disregard for you and your opinions? It is a difficult task to do this without feeling like it is a personal attack. That is why resolution and accepting constructive criticism or advice comes easier when it derives from someone who you know accepts you and your opinions.

Focus on Fondness and Admiration

                Gottman explains that couples that can ease a conflict by focusing on fondness are usually those that have mellowed about their spouse's flaws. These couples whether expressing negative or positive messages can do it in a way that expresses admiration and acceptance. Each spouse knows that no matter what is being expressed the other person carries a fondness for the other. Gottman suggests that if this is hard for a couple to do it may because of a lack of forgiveness for past deeds.

Gottman emphasizes that whether a conflict is perpetual or solvable every conflict can be overcome. The key is to figure out the origin and define the disagreement. I have found this to be very true in my own marriage. Many times miscommunicating the actual issue at hand or misunderstanding what the issue leads to further disagreement. When the issue is stated clearly often times my husband and I can more quickly and lovingly put the issue to rest. We are both guilty of reading into differences that do not exist, for example. Often times when my husband is extra helpful around the house I define it as him thinking that I am slacking off. And many times when I am having a difficult day and just need some time to myself he defines it as I don’t want to be around him. It is very important during a conflict to communicate clearly.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.