Turn to me

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains how important it is to turn towards your spouse, tune into what they are saying and connect with them. He compares turning towards your spouse to a big snowball rolling down a hill. It starts with the small gesture of looking towards your spouse when they are bidding for your attention and has the possibility of ending with enormous results. Especially when validations, words of affirmation and loving concern follow the turning towards the spouse. So if the simple gesture of turning towards your spouse when they are speaking makes such a difference, why don’t we do it? Gottman gives two interferences to turning towards each other; first, “missing a bid because it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotions” and second, “being distracted by the wired world,” (Gottman, 2015).

Missing a bid. Sometimes we can be so angry at our spouse that when we need or want their attention it comes out negative. This negative expression causes a chain reaction and what may have first been a plea for help or need for connection becomes an argument or ignored. Gottman believes that if we pause before we react negatively to our partner's bid and think about what they are really wanting to say we can react positively and begin a new positive chain reaction. “So before you respond negatively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words,” (Gottman 2015).

Wired world. We live in a world where we are competing with technology for our spouse’s attention. Everyone needs someone to focus and concentrate on them to show them they love them and sincerely care about their needs. Because technology and checking email, social media and texts have become habitual, some spouses don’t even realize they are doing it. Other times technology is used purposefully to stonewall or attempt to end a conversation with a spouse. Gottman recommends, “The best solution to this growing problem is for both partners to acknowledge if it is a concern between them and to establish rules of etiquette that work for both of them,” (Gottman, 2015).

In my own marriage turning towards the other spouse has been one-sided. I love hearing about my spouse's work and life outside of the home. I always just assumed that my life was boring and tedious and he was more fun to discuss. One day when I was at the doctor’s office and I was telling her all about my medical issue I noticed how tuned into me she was and I just started crying. She asked if I was okay and I responded silly like in tears, “It has been so long since anyone has listened to me like this and given me their full attention.” It was a huge eye-opener for me. I did need someone to turn towards me. My husband and I have been working together to mend this but it is slow as it is 17 years of habit we are trying to break. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.