Drawing Heaven into Marriage

“We cannot create a vibrant marriage out of two people regardless of their talents, penchants, or country of origin. It is not possible. We must have divine help,” (Goddard, 2009). The whole premise of Goddard’s book is that “The Lord must be a partner if a relationship is to prosper.” He explains that a marriage prescription involving God is not what the world would prescribe. The scriptures identify that every man has weaknesses, they are divinely appointed; our weaknesses are a gift from God. The world wants us to believe that weakness makes a person less worthy of our love. In every man, hence every marriage, weakness is present. God makes weak things strong. The world walks away from those that are weak and looks ill upon them. Goddard states, “I’m guessing that you could tolerate any amount of disappointment and misunderstanding as long as you felt close to God. It is the magic potion, the heavenly elixir.” (Goddard, 2009).

So don’t play God! Do not try to “fix” your spouse’s weaknesses. Goddard identifies, “We cannot even fix ourselves!” If you feel the urge to set your spouse and marriage right, you are taking on God’s work. Goddard states, “We mortals make poor gods.” What you can do is recognize your own weaknesses and humble yourself and allow God’s love to change you. It is actually a relief to realize that you are not responsible for “fixing” your marriage, your spouse or even yourself. All you have to do is what you can and then, “let God make up the difference,” (Goddard, 2009). Goddard’s central message in his book, Drawing Heaven into Marriage, is that God can turn your life and marriage into something amazing that you cannot make yourself. 

Reference

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results.            Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Keys to managing conflict

If you are in a marriage that experiences no conflict there is no need to continue reading this post. However, if you are in a normal marriage that experiences conflict because conflict is normal, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., offers key ways to manage your normal conflict.

Negative Emotions are Important

                Gottman put a great emphasis in this key on listening, understanding and encouraging your spouse when experiencing negative emotions. He states this relationship motto, “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” Everyone experiences negative emotions it is how they express it that sometimes will shut down or stir their spouse to anger. It takes a true character to be able to listen to negative emotions when they are specifically about or to you. It is worth the sacrifice to allow your spouse to express their negative emotions instead of storing them away.

No One Is Right

                When two people are in conflict with each other two individual truths exist. Gottman reflects on the words of his friend Dan Siegel, “There is no immaculate perception.” Gottman encourages us to remember these words during marital conflict.

Acceptance is Crucial

                Have you ever tried to take advice from someone who has an obvious disregard for you and your opinions? It is a difficult task to do this without feeling like it is a personal attack. That is why resolution and accepting constructive criticism or advice comes easier when it derives from someone who you know accepts you and your opinions.

Focus on Fondness and Admiration

                Gottman explains that couples that can ease a conflict by focusing on fondness are usually those that have mellowed about their spouse's flaws. These couples whether expressing negative or positive messages can do it in a way that expresses admiration and acceptance. Each spouse knows that no matter what is being expressed the other person carries a fondness for the other. Gottman suggests that if this is hard for a couple to do it may because of a lack of forgiveness for past deeds.

Gottman emphasizes that whether a conflict is perpetual or solvable every conflict can be overcome. The key is to figure out the origin and define the disagreement. I have found this to be very true in my own marriage. Many times miscommunicating the actual issue at hand or misunderstanding what the issue leads to further disagreement. When the issue is stated clearly often times my husband and I can more quickly and lovingly put the issue to rest. We are both guilty of reading into differences that do not exist, for example. Often times when my husband is extra helpful around the house I define it as him thinking that I am slacking off. And many times when I am having a difficult day and just need some time to myself he defines it as I don’t want to be around him. It is very important during a conflict to communicate clearly.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Your Problem or Mine?

“While the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking-some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in their unconscious,” (Goddard, 2009). In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., explains the role that pride plays in marriage and how to avoid it.

Goddard explains that there are ways to see pride coming, “feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse,” these are signs that our hearts have moved away from heaven and pride has set root. One of the reasons we are inclined to feelings of annoyance for our spouse is because of our natural inclination to think more of ourselves and less of others. The problem lies with them and I am going to help them fix their problem. This is pride.

“Today’s culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional wisdom: We now hear that it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs,” (Goddard, 2009). Goddard explains that this mentality does not work in marriage because marriage requires giving up one’s self and needs for the benefit of the other.

The paradox, everyone wants to be happy but according to Goddard their selfish searches only leave them empty. True happiness only comes through self-sacrifice for the good of another. Being able to put aside our natural inclinations of blame, annoyance and what Goddard calls “narrow focus,” will help us see our spouses goodness rather than what we perceive as flaws of character.  When we stop putting ourselves first, humility takes root and we are better able to serve, love and build a positive relationship with our spouse. That is when true happiness begins and pride ends.

Reference

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results.            Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Turn to me

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains how important it is to turn towards your spouse, tune into what they are saying and connect with them. He compares turning towards your spouse to a big snowball rolling down a hill. It starts with the small gesture of looking towards your spouse when they are bidding for your attention and has the possibility of ending with enormous results. Especially when validations, words of affirmation and loving concern follow the turning towards the spouse. So if the simple gesture of turning towards your spouse when they are speaking makes such a difference, why don’t we do it? Gottman gives two interferences to turning towards each other; first, “missing a bid because it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotions” and second, “being distracted by the wired world,” (Gottman, 2015).

Missing a bid. Sometimes we can be so angry at our spouse that when we need or want their attention it comes out negative. This negative expression causes a chain reaction and what may have first been a plea for help or need for connection becomes an argument or ignored. Gottman believes that if we pause before we react negatively to our partner's bid and think about what they are really wanting to say we can react positively and begin a new positive chain reaction. “So before you respond negatively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words,” (Gottman 2015).

Wired world. We live in a world where we are competing with technology for our spouse’s attention. Everyone needs someone to focus and concentrate on them to show them they love them and sincerely care about their needs. Because technology and checking email, social media and texts have become habitual, some spouses don’t even realize they are doing it. Other times technology is used purposefully to stonewall or attempt to end a conversation with a spouse. Gottman recommends, “The best solution to this growing problem is for both partners to acknowledge if it is a concern between them and to establish rules of etiquette that work for both of them,” (Gottman, 2015).

In my own marriage turning towards the other spouse has been one-sided. I love hearing about my spouse's work and life outside of the home. I always just assumed that my life was boring and tedious and he was more fun to discuss. One day when I was at the doctor’s office and I was telling her all about my medical issue I noticed how tuned into me she was and I just started crying. She asked if I was okay and I responded silly like in tears, “It has been so long since anyone has listened to me like this and given me their full attention.” It was a huge eye-opener for me. I did need someone to turn towards me. My husband and I have been working together to mend this but it is slow as it is 17 years of habit we are trying to break. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.